Taking back October
October has always been my favorite month of the year. The leaves starting to change, crisp air replacing late summer’s mugginess, football games, pumpkin patches, the holiday season on the horizon. So many fun things all beginning, so much anticipation of all the fun festivities in the months to come. And then my daughter was diagnosed with cancer in October. October 8th, to be exact. Well, if we’re being exact, her official diagnosis date on paper is October 15th, but to me everything changed on October 8th when we found ourselves in the ER. And just like that, October lost it’s usual sense of wonder for me. Instead of picking pumpkins we were picking treatment plans. Instead of sitting in the stands watching football games we were sitting in lonely hospital rooms watching vital signs. And it didn’t stop there. As the holidays rolled around we weren’t decorating cookies and getting together with friends. We were in and out of chemo cycles and remaining isolated to protect our daughter. A season that usually brought so much joy felt dark and lonely. Why did this have to happen during my favorite month? Take January from me. February, March, April. Why October? You might resonate with this sentiment. Trauma happens in your life. The dates become seared in your mind. And suddenly things that once brought so much joy are now a reminder of a painful season. How do you reclaim those seasons? I don’t know the answer to this question for you but I’ll share what has worked for me. Give some of these things a try and find what helps you take back a season that is marked with pain so you can begin experiencing the beauty in the healing.
1. Lean into what you feel. Each year as we approach these dates that mark some of the hardest moments of my life the memories begin flooding back. It usually starts around Molly Margaret’s birthday – September 17th. I think back to when she turned one. I remember so many specific things about the week leading up to her first birthday. We were on vacation. We had no idea this would be the last time we’d vacation before she would be diagnosed with cancer. I look at pictures of the three of us and think “wow you have no idea that in less than a month your world is going to be rocked”. Sometimes this brings me a lot of pain. Sometimes it doesn’t. As the dates of her diagnosis creep closer, other memories become really clear in my mind. What we were doing, what we ate, what she was wearing. Seemingly unimportant yet very specific details of the days leading up to her diagnosis are always super clear in my mind. Again, sometimes it hurts so bad I can’t breathe when I think about it and other times I can rattle the details off and not even wince. What I’ve learned is to lean into however it makes me feel. If it makes me sad, be sad. If it makes me mad, be mad. Trying to ignore the emotion of it even though it is in the past does no good. Feel the feels.
2. Live in the moment. This might sound cheesy. But I think back to that week leading up to her first birthday and all we didn’t know was coming. I think about the NCSU vs. Clemson game we went to days before she was diagnosed and I’m just so glad we lived in the moment and went. Our world was about to change forever. We were literally days from walking through the hardest thing we’ve ever been through and we didn’t know it. As I write this I could be days from finding out something else that will totally flip my world upside down. And that’s okay. We can’t possibly know what tomorrow will hold so live in today. Enjoy the moment in front of you.
3. Honor who you’ve become. After October 2021, I could choose to just write off Octobers altogether. They’re a painful reminder of some of my darkest days. But October 2021 is also when I became a different person. I experienced intimacy with the Lord in a way I never had before. When we walk through trauma we do not come out the same. There is life before and there is life after, but you simply cannot go through trauma and come out the same person. So, although October stirs up some painful memories for me, it’s also a chance to celebrate the me that was born out of that pain. I pray differently. I know my Father more intimately. My marriage is stronger. So many beautiful things came from those ashes so I choose to use October as a time to see that beauty and celebrate it.
4. Create new traditions. Like we just acknowledged, you cannot walk through trauma and come out the same. So if the traditions or things you loved about the season prior to it being marked with pain just don’t feel right anymore, don’t do them. Create a new tradition. If an activity or tradition now feels triggering, nix it. While I think it’s good to sit with your feelings and hold space for them, I also think it’s good to know when you need to let something go. If something feels triggering in an unhealthy way it’s time to cut it loose. Pick something new to do, start a new tradition, make it fun!
While October will never be the same for me, it’s still good. While it’s no longer as light and carefree as it once was, it is far more rich. October and I… we’ve walked through the fire. But we’re still standing. So I’ll watch the leaves change colors and I’ll remember those scary, dark days. I’ll probably cry. I’ll remember the mom and woman I was before October 8, 2021 and I might even grieve that I can’t be her again. But I’ll honor who I am now because of that October when everything changed. I pray that you’ll also have the courage to face whatever your “October” is and reclaim that painful season in your life. There’s so much beauty in the healing.
Mackenzie O’Quinn, co-founder of Good & Glory
